


let not your left hand know what your right hand does

by Filigranka



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Conspiracy Theories, Humor, In-Universe Discussion, In-Universe Forum Thread, In-Universe RPF, M/M, Parody, What are we laughing at? we are laughing at ourselves, in-universe fanfiction, mentions of in-universe live action porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2020-12-16 10:43:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21034964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Filigranka/pseuds/Filigranka
Summary: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... Somebody started the crowdfunding campaign for the Luke/Snoke live action porn. Holonet reacted.





	let not your left hand know what your right hand does

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aurae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurae/gifts).

**Dejarik Players Forum**

Offtopic

> **Ridiculous miscellanea**

Rules:

  1. Provide the link and short description (in the thread’s title);
  2. Click at your own responsibility;
  3. Stay civil;
  4. Don’t treat it too seriously.

HAVE FUN! :D

Luke Skywalker/Snoke live action porn starts a crowdfunding campaign

**Fi’yah23496:** Any thoughts, guy? Is it a scam? A nightmare- or fap-fuel? Are they going to meet the goal or will Solo & Organa’s Estate take it down? Oh, and of course [puts on her glasses], how do you find the plot’s premise, fellow connoisseurs? Any opinions about the oeuvre of the beings involved? 

Personally, I think the guy playing Luke Skywalker is way too hot and the one playing Snoke just can’t compare. Damn Republic propaganda… ;)

**OneandonlyHurrik:** One of my family members worked with the First Order and from what they told me I’d say guy playing Snoke is still waaaaaay too hot.

“Are they going to meet the goal before Solo&Organa’s Estate takes it down?” Fixed that for you.

**LynndiAr:** “Worked with the First Order”. Isn’t it just wonderful how welcoming and nice place our forum is for genocide apologist?

**Fi’yah23496:** @LynnidAr – Please, it’s not the proper sub-forum. And they didn’t say they are proud of them or anything. We don’t choose our families, right? and perhaps their family members was forced or something. 

Unless you mean the sole existence of the porn, in which case you might want to avoid searching for “Tarkin” without adult filters… And again, it’s not the proper sub-forum.

**MaslavTheVeryFirst:** I’ve just cut out more than three dozen absolutely off-topic, vastly inappropriate comments. One more word about genocide and regime-supporters, and terrorists, calling each other names or threats, and I’m freezing the thread. Please, focus on porn and crowdfunding companies. Preferably, this specific one.

**Crnjkrk:** Yeah, sure. No more “turn on your location” jokes. Let’s focus on /the art/. So, I think both actors are way too hot from the historical perspective, but also, it’s porn. The ultimate unrealistic fantasy. Them being too young and too handsome is, like, the basic premise of the genre. We can’t expect every live-action porn piece to be a deconstruction like “Jabba’s Palace” by Venzi. That was, pardon my Huttese, seriously deep, twisted, mind-blowing shit. Pretty realistic, yeah. But how did it sell? Poorly. Besides, the charm of deconstruction lies in its rarity.

As for the current project, I don’t think the Solo & Organa Estate will do anything; _that_ would put the film in the centre of the galaxy’s attention. And it’s not like you can stop beings’ fantasies. The Estate have a lot of better things to do. Like, you know [tinfoil hat on] running the galaxy from the shadows [tinfoil hat off].

Whether it will get funded – I think it has a decent chance. There’s enough of both fans and haters of Snoke and Luke Skywalkers in the galaxy. In such cases, the negative audience tends to pay more per person than the fans (source: A. Biggs & C. Wedge, “The Foreplay: Emotions And Money in Erotica-Crowdsourcing”).

As for the creators’ oeuvre – well, I’m worried the most about the costume department. The actors are solid; perhaps not the best, but decent, and as you already noticed, handsome (JH as Snoke might even end up hotter than Luke Skywalker, imho – but keep in mind I _hate_ beards and have a thing for baldies, so I’m way too biased) and the director made a few excellent short films recently, and not only pornographic ones, some of them are definitely a high-brow, critically acclaimed erotica. 

Plus he managed to bring his favourite music & sounds effect artists into this project and getting the actual soundtrack is the first additional goal, even before adding some small role for Kylo Ren. With such an… unusual for the genre priorities lists, I bet the score is already at least half-written. Tbh, I’m more excited about the possibility of getting more music from Bandi Velq than I am about the Snoke and Luke S. pornfilm. Bandi Velq is such a talented artist! I think erotica is their niche hobby, they make enough credits on the mainstream pieces…

What we got about the writing seems typical for the antagonistic, relatively plotty porn genre and I doubt anybody will think much about it – except I know for sure the writer is one of those conspiracy theory beings, so I think he might mean at least some of it as the great reveal of the truth. Done via porn, to reach the masses and avoid censorship. ;) 

**Fi’yah23496:** …you took my “connoisseurs” way too seriously, gentlebeing. [tips her hat to you]

**Narvillea:** In honour of the campaign’s start, do you think we ought to have Luke Skywalker/Snoke commentfic fest here?

**Idon’tknowandyou’reaskingmyname?**: @Narvillea YESSS!

**Noname230**: @Narvillea Yes, please!

**Crnjkrk:** Heh, thanks, @Fi’yah23496! I’m from Chandrila, this is how we roll. ;)

**Halcia49:** Oh mymymy, it’d be great @Narvillea! Let’s do it!

**Yourlackofdiacriticsdisturbsme:** @Crnjkrk What do you mean the writer is one of the conspiracy theorists? Like, I have nothing against conspiracy theorists, everybody needs some hobby, we’re spending weeks of our lives arguing about the best possible moves in the archaic game, I don’t feel like I could judge, but – what sort of conspiracy theories are out there about Snoke and Luke Skywalker’s relationship?

**HAgjssfahuie&4#:** @Narvillea Absolutely!

**Crnjkrk:** @Yourlackofdiacriticsdisturbsme Are you asking because you really want to know or are you asking because you need confirmation you should never put this phrase into the holonet’s searches? In the second case, consider the confirmation given. In the first – well, the commonest theories are all in the usual vein of “the Skywalkers were actually playing and using both sides of the war all along to ensure their position and safety no matter which one would win. The whole politics are just Skywalker’s family drama and play, no matter who you vote and die for – Skywalkers win!”

I’m sure you already heard them, this part is pretty mainstream. Starting from Anakin Skywalker, the hero of the Old Republic, and then Vader, the hero of the Empire, who strategically put his children as the hero of the Rebellion and then, allegedly, died to save them. Or from their hands, or just in some sort of accident, because strictly speaking, nobody really knows what happened on the second Death Star. Then there’s the matter of Leia Organa becoming the head and symbol of the Resistance, but only after her career in the New Republic was destroyed, and her son becoming the leader of the First Order, again, only after her career in NR was already unsalvageable… Well. You know the drill. Now imagine the same diagram put to Luke and Snoke. 

I might write something more about the less… mainstream theories once I’ll come back home if someone is interested!

**Fi’yah23496: **I’d be very interested! :)

**OneandonlyHurrik:** @Crnjkrk You have fascinating interests on Chandrila. ;)

**Karsz’i&Ja:** Yeah, I’d love to read more about it, too! Also, perhaps it’ll be of interest for someone interested in conspiracies: I come from a strong in the Force family; fortunately, we live on a remote planet, so most sects, orders, military groups and political orgs just…. ignore us, but we have this traditional family story, you know, the kind you tell to scare the children when they’re disobedient. Don’t go to the woods, or Big Bad will take you. Don’t use the Force on your sister, or Big Bad will sense you and come for us. This type of thing. Now, the Big Bad, as far as I know, is ever-changing, reflecting the events in the galaxy. So we had Big Bad Jedi, then Big Bad Inquisitors and Empire, then Big Bad Skywalker, then Big Bad Snoke and now – well, now my mother thinks it’s a Big Bad Disciplinary Method and tried to raise us in a modern way. But my grandparents still used to scare me and my siblings with Big Bad Grey Force Apprentices. 

**Crnjkrk:** Big Bad Disciplinary Method – LOL, I love it @Karsz’i&Ja! And I love the whole story, thanks for sharing! Are you willing to share some more details? Not about your planet, of course, I understand you need to protect your family, but perhaps something more about the scary stories themselves? Did they tell you what will happen after the Big Bad kidnap you?

@OneandonlyHurrik – heh, this is the way we’re about everything on Chandrila! If we something interesting, we’re going to dig and dig! 

**Karsz’i&Ja:** I don’t remember hearing any details, sorry. They’re going to kidnap you, take you away, brainwash you, you’ll never see the family again, you’ll have to work and train hard, and meditate for hours – I always hated meditation, I couldn’t sit in one place long enough, they diagnosed me later… – and fight with your friends… And after all their “training”, you won’t love anything, you might kill even your mother and father without the blink of an eye. This stayed with me because I really love my parents. This sort of thing.

EDIT: I talked with my siblings and we recalled more! Apparently, being the disciple of Palpatine made you bald. And he used to drain living energy from his students, so you would die early. Luke Skywalker, my uncle said, was supposed to make us drink <strike>terrible</strike> healthy things, like blue milk or vegetables – and even made us grow them! Not to mention his terrible unfashionable robes, they were all scratchy _for sure_. My older cousin said they would avoid joining Skywalker’s Order for this reason alone, she has always been very fashion-forward… Oh, and we heard the same about Snoke, actually – he made his students and everybody in the First Order wear the same clothes and the colour of them was an indication of your position. The lowest one, the one for stolen children, was terrible, eye-scorching green.

I think she might have created both of these stories. She’s a good psychologist, I admit, I hate fluorescent green and as you see, that vision really stayed with me.

**Fi’yah23496:** STORIES! THEORIES! CONSPIRACIES! WE WANT STORIES AND BREAD! ;)

**Narvillea:** Ok, everybody, so here we go! I think it’s Explicit – there’re, like, two mentions of the testicles. And a little bit of not so civil language. ;)

_‘You should see my newest discipline. His strength in the Force in unparallel in this generation.’ Luke smirked. _

_Snoke could see this smirk clearly, despite all the space – planets, star systems, nebulas – between them. The only strength really unparalleled was Luke’s own… Snoke dreamt of acquiring, possessing, wielding it. _

_Tasting Luke on his tongue, feeling him inside, just like he was tasting and feeling him in his brain, via the Force, now. _

_And to think they waste this power for some silly jokes and competitions!_

_‘You managed to lure one powerful soul into your fold. But most of your disciplines are mediocre at best. In terms of raw power the median of your school – of your order – is much lower than mine.’_

_‘Perhaps, but mine apprentices at least tend to not kill each other. Your method is pretty wasteful, resource-wise. I’m but a humble hermit, I can’t allow it.’_

_Snoke snorted. Luke was everything but a humble hermit and while Snoke could see the merits of maintaining this façade, he couldn’t stop feeling it was unfair – Skywalker’s blood deserved so much more. And he could give it to Luke, could offer him titles so long and regal it could almost match Snoke’s own… And yet that man kept refusing. It was infuriating._

_He felt the – tug, like someone grabbing the end of his golden, silky robes through the Force. Skywalker was concerned and tried to brighten his mood. Of course. He always needed to act like a damn sun. Or two._

_‘It’s sweet how much you worry about me.’ Through the Force-connection, it felt like Luke’s hand, the flesh one, gently taking Snoke’s left one and caressing its underside, fingers moving along the palm-lines. _

_‘I don’t care about you,’ hissed Snoke. ‘I care about power and potential. If you join, we could –‘ _

_Soft laughter cut him short._

_‘I heard it before. What makes you think you have better chances than my own father, Vader himself?’_

_Snoke thought about Vader and his signature in the Force, the primal strength it had emitted. It’d been like kyber, so – basic, unrefined and therefore powerful. Maybe Vader really had been, like some of his cults claimed, a son of living Force himself. It’d certainly explain that signature. _

_It shone through Luke, too, even if dimmed by his biological mother’s influence. It tempted Snoke more than anything, made his mouth dry like Jakku’s desert. He wanted – needed – to devour it… But not today. Not today._

_Today, Skywalker – Luke – was obviously flirting. Snoke smiled his most predatory smile and transmitted through the Force the sensation which, for Luke, should feel like certain someone palming his arse and playing with his balls._

_Luke, being a master of self-control, only sighed. But, to Snoke’s great satisfaction, it was a deep sigh._

_‘You’re bold,’ huffed Skywalker. If the Force wasn’t lying to Snoke, Luke leaned into his touch and tried to imagine – connect – Snoke’s hips clearly enough to rut against them. _

_Talk about bold. The most typical Light Side’s hypocrisy. _

_‘Well, all we’re at war. You know how the saying goes.’ _

_Snoke’s formed the Force energy, this delicate thread tying them – everything – through the galaxy, into something resembling the thick golden – he loved this colour and he thought he could afford to be that petty – cock and pushed tentatively on Luke’s hole. To his surprise, it seems already prepared. _

_‘Yeah,’ snickered Luke and Snoke felt the most pleasurable pressure on his prostate. His robes parted, throw aside by Snoke’s already fully erected, indeed supreme, enormous prick. ‘All is fair in love and war. ‘_

**JasỲὩ:** @Narvillea You’re the best! +100000000 love this little gem.

**Fi’yah23496:** @Narvillea :DDD This is great, thank you for sharing! I can see the plot of the sequel going exactly like that! 

**OneandonlyHurrik:** Oh, it seems we have a talented writer waiting to be discovered by the industry among us! Good job @Narvillea!

@Karsz’i&Ja – That’s a great scare-story, thank you – I’m glad your family managed to escape the notice of all the orders! The one about the robes and Snoke might have a grain of truth in it, actually. This member of my family I mentioned, knows for sure the First Order were ordering enormous amount for robes, all from one manufacturer – sure, the discount must have been nice – in different colours. Usually grey, the practical one, but there were some in white, silver and black, and dozens of hand-measured to one size in gold. The last one for Snoke, obvs. So your cousin might get the colour-coded hierarchy right. But afaik there were no light green ones. ;)

**Crnjkrk:** @Narvillea – I admire how you managed to put some metaphysical concepts about the nature of the Force and infamous Dark Side’s hunger into it! 

@Karsz’i&Ja and @OneandonlyHurrik – oooh, that bit about the significance of the robes is very interesting, I need to play with it in my theories and fics, and general analyses, thank you very much! And yeah, Karsz’i&Ja, I’m happy you’re safe and not in a green robe. ;)

As for conspiracy theories – well, apart for the usual “Luke and Snoke cooperated and conducted joint experiments in training Force-sensitives, two different teams, two different methods, big control group of all non-trained Force-users, checking the results after a generation or two” or “Luke and Snoke were playing the political Skywalkers’ game” which I already mentioned, there’re some more… creative theories. Like, that Skywalker and Snoke were actually one person, Snoke being Skywalker’s persona. If he was, supposedly, able to transmit his own image through the galaxy, then why not create a consistent Force-hologram as a… separate political persona and use it to steer the unrest in the galaxy? Or just to control the most radical, military opposition? 

The First Order got a lot more destructive and started to really fight with general Organa about the time of Snoke’s and Skywalker’s death, which some interpret as the proof Luke and Snoke were either cooperating, or Snoke was Skywalker’s Force-puppet or Force-image, or something, created only to disrupt the New Republic and push general Organa to power via quick civil war, sort of like destruction of the Starkiller: a few big, spectacular loses for the New Republic and quick victories for The Resistance – and Snoke & Skywalker’s (or Snoke’s aka Skywalker’s) death destroyed the plans and launched true war aka the damn mess we’re still trying to clean up.

Digression: Snoke and Skywalker dying almost at the same moment and from the hands of the same person, _supposedly_, gives even more fuel to “they were one person all along” team. And, you know, the surnames start with “S”, it must be a sign! ;)

There’s also a smaller group claiming Luke Skywalker had died much earlier and was, for most of the post-BBY time, Snoke’s Force-projection, which might explain some of his decisions and personality changes. But it’s a really small group; most of the beings seem to assume Skywalker was just, you know, heavily traumatized by the whole war, killing thousands of people on a Death Star, seeing endless beings dying etc. business. 

Another small, but not _so _small, group’s takes the Supreme Leader being general Organa’s son and Skywalker having no problems with sacrificing, one way or another, his father, as a clue that Leia Organa and her party were no longer needed. So, the war wasn’t launched by “mistake” (or Ben Solo’s personal ambition clashing with the general family interest), but purposefully…

I personally doubt it. All historical sources show us Luke, Han and Leia having very close emotional ties – I know they spent months and years not seeing each other, but some beings are like that and every time any of them mentions the other, the intimacy and love is clear, in my opinion. But well, there’s this theory.

Those who think Luke wouldn’t hurt his sister consciously, but want to maintain Snoke = Luke theory, think the Supreme Leader was the emanation of Luke’s subconsciousness and his dark, repressed urges & fears. Or just this famous and mysterious Dark Side. In this theory, Luke either had some sort of a personality disorder or was able to create Snoke as a separate being, some sort of the Force-shadow. His total opposition. The manifestation of Vader’s blood and we all know, thanks to the Organa & Solo Estate’s reactions, how terrified of any connection to Vader they are. Politically, emotionally and I dare say, philosophically/religiously. Metaphysically.

Aaaand I know, like, two beings who think both Snoke and Skywalker never existed – or, at least, that Skywalker hadn’t died on Crait, but years before, perhaps when Kylo Ren/Ben Solo razed his school. They believe that Skywalker, Snoke and half of the other prominent historical figures of the period are Leia Organa’s Force-projections, created by her guilt and anguish over Alderaan. She wanted the family she’d lost, so the family appeared, she wanted the opponents and the constant war, so Snoke appeared – from nothingness. (The lack of any, literally any sources or mentions about Snoke’s pre-FO’s existence is one of the crucial points of the “Snoke as someone else hologram/manifestation/projection/emanation/choose your favourite term” theories).

Oh, and then there’s the usual beings who can’t believe Palpatine and Vader are really dead and are very sure Snoke and Luke were their puppets. Or just another reincarnation of the Ideal Sith and Ideal Jedi, who appear in every generation to wreak havoc in the galaxy. For via this chaos and carnage, the Force balances itself. Idk. It seems pretty cruel.

Tl;dr – go into those corners of the holonet and discover that Snoke was either cooperating with Luke or a part of Luke’s inner problems OR that both Luke and Snoke were a part of someone’s else inner problems. Who this “someone” is, probably depends mostly on who is your favourite or most hated person in recent galactic history (well, if events so recent count as history at all – but that’s a discussion for another time).

**Fi’yah23496**: @Crnjkrk, you’re the [redacted] best. THE BEST. I will spend this week thinking about Snoke and Luke, Palpatine’s imaginary friends, bonding with each other. I’m going to back up this campaign, again, by the way, just as a ‘thank you’ for meeting you, guys, and getting to know all of this. My eyes are opened now. :D

**Narvillea:** WOW that’s <strike>very inspiring I think we need sequels of the film</strike> fascinating! So, Snoke was literally Luke’s right hand? [wiggle, wiggle, nudge, nudge]

**OneandonlyHurrik:** I hope they’re not going to bring more unusual theories into that porn film, to be honest. I hate surprise twists like that, especially when they rely on the kink. ;/

**SweetestTukka32:** @Narvillea, Er, you see, I might actually’ve got a little inspired. Two drabbles, the second one explicit (I think? just to be safe), Luke/Snoke and “Snoke being Luke” theory mixed. So, crack.

I

Luke woke up all sore, again. His nightgown was stained with unmistakable white, sticky lines. “It would be hell to clean up”, he thought, before turning his mind to this mysterious lover. Was it a Dark Side ghost? A memory of the Emperor, sent to torment him? Or his own twisted desires? Had he been asleep, not in some dark coma? Could he be really sure he hadn’t hurt any of his students?

When Luke, terrified and ashamed, frantically searched Jedi sacred text for an answer, one word echoed in his mind.

Snoke. 

And Luke shivered, from the pleasure.

_fin_

II

‘Harder, harder, HARDER!” screamed Jedi Master Skywalker, thanking the Force for the temple’s thick walls. 

His hand moved like on its own volition – and slowed down. Luke whimpered. It was so horrifying, the way the Dark Side played him through his own body and his own needs. It was so hot, being so submissive and finally not the one in control, not the one giving orders, not the one being the damn _Master_.

‘Master Snoke,’ he whispered, looking at his own right hand. ‘Please, I need…’ and the rest melted into a moan when the hand started to stroke him harder.

_fin_

**Fi’yah2369:** Oh, wow, this is great, @SweetestTukka32! So hot, mmm!

I’m the bearer of the sad news – the campaign got closed. Before you ask: no, not by the Organa & Solo Estate, by one of the Force Churches – the site didn’t disclose its name. But the good news is – they managed to get enough of the money and now are contacting the donors more privately, so there’s a chance it will still happen! A pretty big one, even. I think we may send them our fanfics as the inspiration for the sequel, really. ;) You guys are great. Hit me on the PMs to talk about the project’s second, less official stage. ;)

**JustNaberrose:** Oh no. :( I was just a lurker, but I really grew fond of it!

**OneandonlyHurrik:** :((((

**Narvillea:** NOOOOO! I had so many ideas! (I know, I know, I can still write them down, but it feels different).

**Crnjkrk:** Well, this happens in the live-action RPF industry, porn or not porn. Political satire is often struck by the ban hammer, too. PMs will have to suffice… ;) As a goodbye, take a fic:

**After All This Time? (you know the answer)**

* * *

> The universe laid under their feet – literally, thanks to the Force they were able to see it all like from the great heights, all systems, stars, black holes, nebulas… Luke Skywalker seemed tired. Snoke was literally shining with triumph, even his golden robe seemed to be glowing. Perhaps it was a trick of the Force.
> 
> “We did it,” murmured Snoke fondly, taking Master Skywalker’s hand. “We brought back the balance of the Force. Are you –“
> 
> “Exhausted,” replied Luke. “So very exhausted. And there’s hardly peace in this balanced galaxy. Beings still argue with each other, fight with each other and themselves, struggle and die…”
> 
> “Such is the way of life. The way of the Force. It’s a price to pay for growth. Balance of the Force is about the higher –“
> 
> “I’m just tired,’ repeated Luke. His ghostly form was disappearing and reappearing, like a blinking star. “And I paid a lot for this higher balance. We all – we both did. Don’t we deserve a break from all this great, galaxy-changing stuff?” He made this small, youngish smile, which always melted Snoke’s heart, even when he only saw its mere shadow on Kylo Ren’s face. “Let’s relax a little.”
> 
> And who could say no to the descendant of the Force itself? So Snoke let the galaxy go, leaned in and just kissed Luke, time and time again, for eternity, as the galaxies were slowly moving beneath them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thousand thanks to P., who beta-ed this. <3


End file.
